ZuDfunck

I have a hat that I got in a truck stop in Alabama that states, “I spend my money on booze, women and gambling. The rest I waste.” The hat made an excellent point. Men have a tendency to sometime waste money. The hat was different. It was the best $3.99 I ever spent. The hat got many compliments as I made my way home from Tuscaloosa. My girlfriend at the time thought the hat was the dumbest purchase I ever made when I arrived back at school. She said that it was something only a guy would waste his money on. Maybe she was right. Better yet, maybe my hat was right. In the eyes of women, men of all shapes and sizes seem to find new and fun ways to waste money everyday. Here are a few examples of things ladies will always argue that we spend a little too much disposable income on…

1 Booze

Some guys just like to go out after a hard week of work and relax with a stiff drink. And then there are a few of us that need several to tens of drinks to relax after a stressful week of work. A good portion of men usually have a go-to drink that they order once in a while for certain reasons or occasions;
whether it’s just a bottle of cheap whiskey, to a bottle of Jack Daniels. Or maybe it’s a few shots of Johnny Walker Blue Label. There is nothing in the world that a good bottle of whiskey or glass of Scotch couldn’t fix. Except herpes. I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing almost everything but that–whiskey can probably fix. To each his own brew, and keep them coming till I fall out of this stool, barkeep.

2 Strip clubs

We aren’t wasting money here! We are sending poor Candi or Brandi through veterinary school, one dollar at a time. The beer is way more expensive here. Everything is way more expensive at a strip club. If I pay you money, will you gyrate on me and pretend you like being with me for the entirety of “Pour Some Sugar on Me”? Excellent. Your name is “Bambi,” huh? Everyone named Bambi in this world either ends up a stripper or strapped to the hood of someone’s car. Women are actually very right on this front. This place is a waste of hard earned money.

3 Cigars

Usually reserved for the birth of babies, celebrations and golf outings, but sometimes reserved for just relaxing on the back porch; cigars are another of the bonding tools men sometimes go overboard on. Whether it’s trying to find a way to get a box of Cohiba Robustos delivered to our house without United States customs agents involved or buying a solid gold cigar cutter that may or may not have once been used by Stalin–we will sometimes go the extra mile for a good smoke.

4 Barbecue

Do we have enough charcoal? Is this going to be enough chicken? I think we are going to need more beer. Hey look at this, it’s corn on the cob. Do we want to get this and throw it on the grill. You know what I need is more lighter fluid. Maybe we should look at getting a new grill while we’re near Lowes. Ice? I almost forgot the ice. Will you push the cart up to the line while I go grab some Bloody Mary mix? Two hours later and we leave $1000 over our allotted budget with enough alcohol to get the entire state of Rhode Island drunk. Don’t ask me how, but it always happens when guys have a cook out.

5 Gambling

Men are bred from a very early age to be competitive. Combine that with testosterone and the incessant need to best our friends in contests of any kind and you have the reason men are drawn to gambling. We also like to be right. That’s why we don’t ask for directions. Winning means being right and temporarily feeling smarter than someone else; in return those people have to give you money for being wrong. It’s the perfect past time for men. Of course, the line between a few hands of poker and something like gambling your life savings on an exacta bet with horses named “Nyquil“ and “Haggard McSteelhoves,” is pretty wide in most. But all men will usually bet on football, cards, and golf. Just enough things to get us in trouble.

6 Sporting events

It is bonding the best way men know how: By getting drunk on $12 beers and throwing AA batteries at Barry Bonds in left field. Men are territorial, so they usually have one team they lived near or rooted for growing up and then one team that they loathe with every ounce of their being. We will buy stuff with our team logo on it. Some of that stuff will be stupid (probably made of foam) and sold at a yard sale whose date has yet to be determined. Men hate it, but will always pay $15 for the privilege of parking an automobile. We will pack into stadiums of 50,000 at a time and root for men who can hit a ball really far with a stick or run faster than us. There will be nachos and hot dogs and beer. There will be fist fights. We will yell ridiculous encouragement to the players we like (“Nomaaaaaaaahhhh”) and if we were lucky enough to be at Dodgers Stadium on Duracell Battery Night when the Giants came to town, we will sink a good deal of cash into bail.

7 Golf

Not all guys enjoy golf, but a good number of us do. Lots of expensive equipment to buy. There are always new putters and better sand wedges and new Nike drivers with heads the size of large babies. There are always newer alloys and more precise ball trajectory. It seems NASA is now working round-the-clock to bring us better and lighter golf clubs. Plus it is the only sport where we can buy equipment that is literally an extension of our penis. And there’s backspin. And more torque. Better ball flight. Aerodynamically superior. Something about testing in wind tunnels. I mean, these aren’t things you can learn, these are things you have to pay for. And that’s why I’m convinced I need that new Lob Wedge.

8 Cars

Obviously, cars are things that men will shell out large amounts of cash for. There are always new interiors, better speakers and even fuzzier dice to purchase for our automobile. We’ve got tinted windows, double deuces, and spinners. Then there are Armor All wipes, car washes and speeding tickets. Then those tickets lead to higher insurance premiums. It’s a vicious cycle of man vs. posted speed limit that ends up getting our bank involved. Not to mention you have to buy them. Usually. Cars have become a black hole of misplaced funds in the wallets of many great men throughout the years. Sure it’s bad now, but think of the money we will sink in them when they can fly.

9 Women

We spend $80 on a bouquet of flowers that we know are going to be dead and gone in a week. We will hand over hard earned money to get you a box of chocolates we are pretty sure you will never eat. What would posses a human being to spend over $100 on a stuffed animal? Or over $10,000 on an engagement ring? I dunno exactly, but I imagine it has something to do with Dateline NBC or a story on 60 Minutes. “I don’t like French food, but if you do babe, we will eat there tonight.” Not all men make a lot of money. Not all men can buy a special woman the diamond rings, and pearls, and the jet-ski she never knew she wanted, with our paychecks. But you can rest assured ladies, that what we do make, we will always use to keep a smile on your face. SO maybe that’s not a “waste” after all. Do those come in a size 7?